The Book of Marauders
by Lady Wolfie
Summary: A complitation of ficlets about the various troublemaking adventures of the Marauders. Everything is based on The Simpsons chalkboard gag, so if you like that, you'll love this. Please R&R!
1. Prologue

**Title**: The Book of Marauders

**Rating**: K

**Genre**: Humor

**Setting**: First chapter is summer of OOTP, everything else is Marauder era.

**Ships**: None

**Disclaimer**: I own nothing.

**A/N**: This is a series of short ficlets about the various kinds of trouble the Marauders got into at Hogwarts. They will mostly be Sirius or James doing the troublemaking, with Remus thrown in every so often. Peter probably won't be in here much, not so much because I hate him, but because he's just not all that interesting. I don't think any of them will have a specific year, so just imagine it whenever you want it to be. Everything after chapter 1 is based on The Simpsons chalkboard gag. Please enjoy and don't forget to review!

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"So there the four of us were, on the Quidditch field, wearing nothing but kilts and waving claymores around!" Sirius had to stop a minute and catch his breath because he was laughing too hard. "Then we started charging at the entire Slytherin population of the school and chased half of them into the Lake!" The room erupted in laughter as Sirius finished his story. Harry, the Weasleys, Hermione and a few Order members were gathered in the kitchen of Order Headquarters, listening as Sirius and Remus regaled them with tales of the many (_many_, many...) times they got into trouble during their Hogwarts days. 

Remus, who was convulsing with laughter at the memories of his Hogwarts years, caught his breath long enough to say, "Hey Padfoot, tell them about the time we dressed like pirates and started a mutiny in Potions class."

Sirius let out a bark-like laugh. "Oh yeah! Okay, so one day..." Fred and George gazed admiringly at Remus and Sirius, the former professor and escaped convict who they only recently realized were two of their heroes. They honestly hadn't thought Remus had it in him to be such a troublemaker, but their already great amounts of respect for him increased tenfold when they discovered that he was the one and only Moony of Moony, Padfoot and Prongs (Wormtail had, of course, been kicked out).

The crowd laughed hysterically as Sirius finished another story. There was only one person who didn't seem to be enjoying storytime with Remus and Sirius: Molly Weasley. She scowled continuously as her children (and good-as children) laughed at Sirius and Remus' immature behavior. She scowled extra hard when she saw how appreciative of it Fred and George were. '_That's just what they need,_' she thought, 'more_ inspiration._' Eventually she grew so frustrated that she spoke up. "I hardly think you two are setting a good example for the children. You should not be endorsing such behavior!"

"I have to agree," said McGonagall, clearly trying to hold back laughter. "Especially with _those_ two here." She motioned to Fred and George.

"Oh, come on, Minerva," said Remus. "You would have expelled us in first year if you didn't think we were funny!"

McGonagall blushed. "True, but still..." she took a sip of wine to hide her grin.

The tales of pranks continued long into the night, but eventually everyone drifted out of the kitchen and off to bed until only Sirius and Remus were left in the kitchen, reminiscing quietly.

"God, I miss those days," said Sirius, the nostalgia evident in his voice.

"I know, Pads. Me too." He sighed and looked down into his tea. After a few moments of silence, Sirius let out a soft laugh.

"At least we have Fred and George to carry on the legacy. I couldn't be more proud of those two." He let out a mock sniffle and mimed a tear rolling down his face.

Remus laughed, but then something hit him. (Not literally, of course.) "Sirius," he said, "I have an idea."

"Does it involve wreaking havoc?"

Remus grinned mischievously and led Sirius out of the kitchen.

The next morning, the collective family gathered at the kitchen table again for breakfast. It was a normal morning except for the fact that every so often Sirius and Remus would glance at each other and giggle madly. When asked if everything was okay, they'd only nod and giggle some more.

"I knew it," whispered Ginny to the Trio. "I knew there was something going on between them."

"Ginny!" replied Harry, aghast. "That's my godfather you're talking about!"

"What?! Really, Harry, look at them!" They all watched Sirius and Remus whispering to each other conspiratorially and laughing. Harry had to admit, they were awfully, well, _close_.

Much to the relief of everyone, there was to be no cleaning that day. Arthur, of course, had to go to work and Molly had Order business to attend to, leaving the Weasley kids, Harry and Hermione with Remus and Sirius. Once the Weasley parents had left the house, Sirius and Remus jumped up from their chairs and Sirius said with a mad grin, "Stay there, we'll be right back!" They ran out of the room and the kids looked at each other oddly.

"Right back after a quick shag," muttered Ginny. Harry glared at her.

After a few minutes, Sirius and Remus ran back into the kitchen. Remus was holding a large leatherbound book in his hands.

"This is technically for you two," Remus nodded to Fred and George.

"But we hope you'll all get some use out of it," said Sirius. Remus set the book down in front of the twins and everyone leaned over to read the embossed writing on the cover: _The Book of Marauders_.

"What's this?" asked George.

"This," said Sirius, "is the complete collection of everything we did to get into trouble at Hogwarts. Once we realized that we had a particular talent for troublemaking, we started keeping track in hopes that one day we could inspire a new generation of pranksters."

The twins opened the book and it was as if a light shined down from heaven into the dark kitchen. The first page read in a similar script as that on the Marauders' Map:

_Messers. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs  
are proud to present  
The Book of Marauders:  
A collection of pranks, gags, and other forms of troublemaking.  
Done for fun, recorded for posterity._

They looked up at Remus and Sirius, at a loss for a proper way to say thank you. The two Marauders only grinned at each other.

"Enjoy!" said Remus. They left the room and everyone's attention returned to the book. Fred turned the page and began reading...

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**A/N**: Hope you all enjoyed! This will probably be the longest chapter, everything else will be pretty quick. Next chapter up soon! 


	2. A long seven years

**A/N**: Sorry it took me two months to update. Just so ya know, this is NOT a slash fic. There will be none at all unless I can find a way to use it, which I probably won't. Enjoy and please review!

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**The Hogwarts song does not end with "Hail Satan".**

It was a new year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. '_And with a new year,_' thought Professor McGonagall, '_comes new opportunities for learning and making friends and – oh, bugger it, comes a new generation of troublemakers._' McGonagall watched as the first years walked up the front steps and gathered in front of her.

"Welcome to Hogwarts," she said. "In a few moments you will all be sorted into your Houses, after which the start-of-term feast will begin. Please, follow me." She turned and led the first-years into the Great Hall, where they looked around, awestruck. Well, all of them except for four, actually. McGonagall noticed two boys with jet black hair talking and laughing quietly amongst themselves. Next to them were two other boys who looked more nervous than anything, but still amused. One was pale and skinny with light brown hair and the other was short, chunky and blonde. "I have a bad feeling about this," McGonagall said quietly to herself, eyeing the four of them.

The Sorting went on as usual, though McGonagall was a little nervous to see that the four boys she had spotted earlier had all been sorted into Gryffindor. At the end of the feast, Dumbledore rose from his seat and the Hall quieted down.

"Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts!" he said cheerily. "I'm sure you're all exhausted from the trip and full to bursting after the feast, so I won't bore you with the usual talk of rules and restrictions. But before we retire for the night, let us sing a round of the school song!" The students cheered loudly, but most of the teachers just rolled their eyes. Dumbledore flicked his wand and the words appeared to float in mid air. The entire school joined in singing:

_Hogwarts__ Hogwarts__, Hoggy Warty __Hogwarts__  
Teach us something, please,  
Whether we be old and bald  
Or young with scabby knees,  
Our heads could do with filling  
With some interesting stuff,  
For now they're bare and full of air,   
Dead flies and bits of fluff,  
So teach us things worth knowing,  
Bring back what we've forgot,  
Just do your best, we'll do the rest,  
And learn until our brains all rot._

"Hail Satan!" came a voice from the Gryffindor table. Everyone looked over to see the black-haired boy with glasses high-fiving the other one. The tall brown-haired boy looked appalled, but was trying his best to restrain his laughter. Everyone else in the school, however, did not bother to hold it in and the Hall erupted with laughter. Professor McGonagall was not amused, and was even more put off when she noticed Dumbledore chuckling softly.

"And on that note," said Dumbledore, still smiling as the laughter died down, "I think it's time for bed." The students rose and made to exit the Great Hall.

"Not so fast, Mr. Black," said McGonagall. Sirius, James, Remus and Peter turned around as the others flooded out of the Hall.

"Yes, Professor?" said Sirius innocently. McGonagall huffed and grabbed Sirius by the ear, dragging him through the crowd. She yanked harder when she saw him give a thumbs-up to the other three boys. McGonagall sighed. '_This is going to be a long seven years._'


	3. Trading Pants

**I will not trade pants with others.**

"Make sure to slice the caterpillar evenly!" called Professor Slughorn to his Potions class, writing instructions on the chalkboard. "And don't add too much –"

Just then the clock stuck 10:00 and the bells in the bell tower began to sound. Usually, everyone would just ignore this and continue taking notes, seeing as it happens several times a day, every day, but today there was a bit of a disturbance in the class. When the bell rang, Sirius, James, Remus and Peter stood up from their seats, took their pants off, handed them to one another, put whoever's pants they were given on, and sat back down. When the bell rang for the last time, the four boys picked up their quills and returned to their note-taking. Professor Slughorn looked at them and blinked a few times. "Anyway..." he said slowly, turning back to the chalkboard. The four boys didn't even crack a grin.

An hour later, the bells rang again, this time signaling the end of class. While everyone was clearing out, the Marauders once again took off their pants and exchanged them with each other. Slughorn looked on dumbfounded. The boys then gathered their books and left the classroom. "Later, Professor!" called James as though his pants weren't three sizes too wide and six inches too short (he was wearing Peter's pants). Slughorn opened his mouth to either reply or give them a detention, but they were gone. He shook his head and went to his office. He'd give them a detention later; right now, he needed a drink.


	4. Dirty Doughnuts

**I will not hang doughnuts on my person.**

"Hey, Sirius, I bet I can fit more on there than you!"

"Like hell you can!"

This retort was met by the sounds of laughter and cheers (and, to McGonagall's horror, a few wolf whistles and cat calls) from the rest of the students.

McGonagall was afraid to look up from her breakfast to see what was going on. She had that sinking feeling that she always got when she knew that the Marauders, as they called themselves, were doing something wrong. She took one last bite of her waffles ('_Will I _ever_ be able to enjoy a meal with them here?_' she thought) and looked up to see what the commotion was all about. Her jaw dropped in shock. At the Gryffindor table, which was now surrounded by the entire female population of the school, were James and Sirius, their pants around their ankles (fortunately for McGonagall, their backs were to the teacher's table) and they were reaching for doughnuts from a platter on the table and placing them..._there_. McGonagall shuddered.

"Ha!" cried James. "I got one more than you!"

"Nuh-uh!" cried Sirius, struggling. "Just...gimmie a sec..."

"Mr. Black! Mr. Potter!" The boys turned their heads to see McGonagall shielding her eyes from the sight. "Remove those doughnuts, put your pants back on and follow me!" The girls groaned in disappointment, but James and Sirius obeyed.

Hogwarts never offered doughnuts for breakfast again.


	5. The Dangers of Caffeine

**Coffee is not for Sirius.**

"Professor McGonagall! Professor McGonagall!" McGonagall turned to see a very scared looking Remus Lupin running to catch up with her.

"Mr. Lupin, what's wrong?" Remus was usually the calm Marauder, and to see him in such a state of panic was surely not a good sign.

"Professor," he panted, trying to catch his breath, "It's Sirius. I told James not to do it, really I did! But he didn't listen...he didn't listen..."

McGonagall was concerned. Was Sirius hurt? Was someone else hurt? All that possible options that ran through her mind were not very good.

"What did James do, Remus?" McGonagall pressed. "What happened to Sirius?"

"James..." Remus hesitated. "James gave Sirius coffee!" McGonagall gasped; this was worse than she had thought. She'd seen Sirius under the influence of caffeine before and, well, that was when her hair started turning grey.

"Remus," she said, regaining her composure, "I need you to lead me to him."

"That won't be necessary," he replied, raising a shaky arm and pointing behind the Transfiguration professor. McGonagall slowly turned and her eyes widened in fear as she saw Sirius running at top speed down the hall towards her and Remus, a crazed look on his face.

Just feet before the hyper Marauder crashed into the horrified professor and werewolf, he jumped into the air and landed only an inch in front of McGonagall. Remus was now using his professor as a human shield.

"Hi, Minnie!" Sirius yelled, waving madly.

"Mr. Black," McGonagall said, trying to keep her voice from shaking too much, "You may stop waving now, I'm right in front of you."

"But I _like_ to wave, Minnie! It's so much fun! Like eating pudding! Haha, pudding is a funny word! Let's name some other funny words! Spoon, cheese, Florida, mitochondria, floccinaucinihilipilification, squeegee, besmirch, kumquat, mustachioed, narf...Narf! Narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf narf..." McGonagall and Remus looked at each other, then back at Sirius. As Sirius jabbered on, they each grabbed one of his arms and dragged Sirius off to the special room with the padded walls that they had prepared for him for just such an occasion.


	6. You Won't Succeed On Broadway

**There are plenty of businesses like show business.**

Professor McGonagall hated doing career consultations for fifth years. Most of them had no idea what they wanted to do yet, and the rest didn't care. Sure she'd get the occasional Healer or Auror or something of that sort, but for the most part, she and the student would just go around in circles until McGonagall finally just signed them up for the core classes.

McGonagall looked at her list. Next in line: James Potter. McGonagall sighed. This should at least be interesting.

Just then the door burst open and James sauntered inside. "Hi, Minnie!"

"Good afternoon, Mr. Potter. Please, have a seat." She tried not to laugh as he bounced across the room and into his chair. "Now, Mr. Potter, I trust you know why you're here today?"

"If it's about the condom full of Goldfish crackers hanging from the flagpole, I can explain..."

McGinagall blinked in surprise. "Well, that...um..."

James laughed. "Kidding!"

McGonagall shook her head. "Anyway. This is about your future career. Have you –"

"Say no more, Minnie!" James interrupted. "I know exactly what I want to do when I grow up!"

McGonagall sighed happily. Finally, someone with some direction! "That's wonderful, Mr. Potter!" she exclaimed. "Now, what exactly would you like to do?"

"I want to be –," he stood up dramatically, "on Broadway!" James gave his professor his best jazz hands.

McGonagall felt like banging her head on her desk. "Really, Mr. Potter, take this consultation seriously!"

"But I _am_, Minnie!" he replied, stomping his foot. "Can't you just see it? Dramatic lighting, singing and dancing, millions of adoring fans throwing roses at my feet as I take a bow, Lily Evans running up on stage and the crowd cheering as I sweep her off her feet..." James stared off into space, a dreamy look in his eyes. McGonagall cleared her throat loudly and James snapped out of his Broadway daydream.

"Mr. Potter," she said angrily, "you may come back when you have given your career some _serious_ consideration!"

"But I have, Minnie!" James insisted. "After all, there's no business like show business."


End file.
